Complicated - Subayon

It is complicated is often used in "Facebook" regarding relationship status.I think it means that it is difficult to explain.

I grew up being difficult to explain. I can remember the expressions;the looks in the faces when I was introduced or when someone asked about me. In my day, people were interested in family lineage.

I am the daughter of Teresa Montecillo and Juan Rojo. No, they did not marry - so I am illegitimate - a stigma I carried when I was growing up. I never felt good enough. This was very hard on me, causing alienation towards some of the gossipy branch of the PanMon Clan. It was Tata Batyong, Lola Sayong and Lola Eliang who constantly assured my inclusion as a Montecillo when I cried about it.

Tata Batyong would say things like "tell them you are a Montecillo, the rest is none of their business."

Lola Bette was also hard to explain. I was often asked where she came from - she was not Catmonanon nor Cebuano for that matter. Lolo Milong brought her to Catmon from Detroit. Although, I spent a lot of time with members of her family - she would always tell me to leave her family out of the conversation. So her family came and went, when they visited. We visited Bogo and Mabolo.

People often asked what my plans are for the holidays. I spend my holidays with family - my complicated family. Which family?

So here are pieces to the puzzle. Subayon.

Mama Teresa married Dad Ron Elliott. Mama and Daddy had Donna. So now, I have a sister on Mama's side. Dad Elliott's rule is that there are "no steps" - so Donna and I never had the "step" relationship.

I married Lee Rankine - Leto, Rosanne and Lauren are the gifts from the union.We were married for 20+ years. Lauren got together with Mike Hallam and had Dominic. Leto got together with Tracy - so came Manny Henry-Rankine. Rosanne got together with Creek Noke - so we now have Zachary and Gus Rankine-Noke. I love them all!

After Mama Teresa died,Dad Elliott married Mom Josephine Miller Currie bringing her three children - Julie, Karen and Roger. Then Michael was born. Donna married a Rhadigan and had Nicole. Then she married Frank Hayden - Garrett and Brandon came along. Nicole married Simon Haidi - their children are Mina, Gabriel and Alexander.

Julie married a Badamo and had Gina and Joey. Gina married Scott Barber. The children are Shelby, Megan and Gino.Karen married Mario Del Grecco. Michael married Carrie. Roger never married.

I have spent the last 30+ Christmases with this wonderfully blended family. I spend almost all the other American traditional family holidays with them.

I learned to "subay" from Lola Miliang de Dios and from the countless birthdays, weddings,"canta misa" ordinations and of course, funerals - mostly the Montecillo side - that we attended from Catmon to Sogod to Borbon to Naga to Tuburan to Carcar -wherever Montecillo's lived.The experiences gave me a solid Montecillo grounding.

This is where I learned that families can be very complicated but very rewarding if there is cohesion.

Tatay Juan Rojo is ill in San Francisco - I have never spent Christmas with him or my siblings on the Rojo side. Nanay Julia is a Menchavez - so I am blood related to my brothers and sisters there. On the Menchavez side, they are my cousins. I am trying to decide whether to fly out tomorrow or on Christmas Day. I am conflicted on how to allocate my meager resources of time and dollars.

I will pray - I still have three families from Christmas for Kids to finish up.

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Tagay Tuba

On one of the shows, they had an expert give some guidance and tips on "How to Cope at the Wine Shop". I started laughing because I grew up running to stores to buy "Usa Ka Tipo" for Lola. I hated it - especially if it was dark at night - this was before electricity came to Catmon. But Lola liked her tuba. Have to admit - real good tuba tastes like champagne. No lie!

From my current position, education and life experience, I feel sad and more sympathetic about Lola Bette's plight and the other victims of the disease, Alcoholism is a disease. This disease has a biological, psychological and social component.

Genetic components make some folks more prone to the disease. So the prevention strategy that works best is complete abstinence. The younger the exposure to alcohol the higher the risk for the disease.

Psychological stress and issues can heighten the risk of disease. Often times people use alcohol to relieve psychological pain and stress. Anger, emptiness,loneliness, abandonment issues, grief issues, etc. can lead people to self medicate with alcohol and other drugs to ease if not forget the pain.

Non-judgemental, open, supportive conversations and the acquisition of coping skills are some of the healing and prevention strategies that are proven to have worked. This is one of the reasons why Alcoholics Anonymous is the most effective and successful strategy in the world.

The social component is composed of the family and friends around the individual. "Birds of a Feather, Flock Together" is the operative saying. Peer pressure, the need to be accepted and looked upon as "Cool" play a huge part. The strategy to use in prevention is to vary the people around you.

Alcoholism is a family disease. It has a reach of at least 7 generations, even with interventions and complete abstinence. Nobody wakes and decide "I think I am going to be an alcoholic today." The craving and need to drink, when the disease is full blown is completely involuntary. To stop "cold tureky" can be very dangerous.

Incidentally, if you search for "Montecillo" in the web. The majority of the hits is for Montecillo wines from Bodegas Montecillo. The origins are from the Ebro River Valley, South of Barcelona, Spain. If part of our ancestry originated from there, this makes us a high risk family!

So go figure!